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|Tuesday, June 24th, 2008|
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you can eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe
|Wednesday, January 10th, 2007|
|my blessing and my curse.
Listen: to make an effort to hear something. To pay attention.
Listening to people is my passion. I don't know why and I can't understand how I have so much energy to put towards it - but I'm always listening to what other people have to say. Whether it's bearing their soul or what they think about this or that I'm actively listening. What I'm feeling right now is something I remember from years ago. I just want someone to listen back. It's not all the time, but I feel so alone. I want someone, even just one person, to give back to me everything I'm giving to them. It's not that I don't want to give anymore. I would be sad if I wasn't giving of myself. And it's not that I don't have conversations with people. I do all the time. But more often than not it's about him or her. And the times that I do talk about myself it seems I get carried away and then I feel terrible afterwards. I don't want to be a burden. And I don't want to be seen as someone who talks about myself all the time. So what's the point.
Anyway, what my mom said yesterday about feeling my pain as I was growing up stuck out to me for some reason. I feel her pain too. I can't explain the connection and mutual understanding that we share. I've been blocking it out so much lately because I didn't want to feel what she's feeling. She doesn't have to react in the ways that she does and let stuff get to her so much, and I shouldn't have to feel it when it isn't even me. But in a weird way I really miss being there for her. And my heart hurts for her so deeply for everything she's going through. Both her parents are gone now. Her brother is literally insane. Her youngest daughter is an expert manipulator and rebel. I am growing away from her. She's just recently learning how to deal with her emotions without resorting to alcohol. Not to mention a divorce is one of the most stressful things that you could ever go through. And she is such a wonderful woman. Seeing her genuinely smiling last night as we were talking completely warmed my heart. She is so beautiful when she smiles. And I resent her so much when she is stressed. Every emotion she feels is contagious. I'm not sure if that's my fault or hers. I guess I do take on a lot of other people's feelings if it's someone I'm close to. God I hate being a person who feels feelings with such passion. I love feelings and I hate them. That is why this is my blessing and my curse. Current Mood: drained
|Wednesday, November 1st, 2006|
Ok here goes my twenty minutes of writing without stopping. I haven't done this in a while. But I have to do something. I don't know what's in my head but something is bringing me down. I don't want to get out of bed. Ever. The only thing that keeps me getting up is because it affects Garett. I don't want to. I've been having suicidal thoughts again. And I'm afraid to be sad. I don't want Garett to think it's his fault. He says he's my life right now and if I'm unhappy with my life then I'm unhappy with him. But I'm not. I'm not unhappy with him at all. I mean sure - I wish he would pick up after himself. I REALLY REALLY wish he would pick up after himself. But right now I mostly wish that because it takes so much effort for me to do anything. I'm so overwhelmed and I don't see how I'm ever going to get on top of things. There are certain things I have to have energy for. Like work, doing something special with Garett or other friends, being around family, being excited for the puppy, trying to get a new job. These things are all important to me and I know it will help me get out of this funk so I stuff down my negative feelings as far down as I can and put a smile on my face. I did it yesterday for my interview. And now I feel completely drained. I feel like every ounce of energy has been sucked out of my soul. And I know this is not normal. I even try to make it all in my head. I try to believe that I can think positive and this will all just go away but it hurts so bad when it doesn't. Can't I just feel good for even 3 days in a row? Please?? I don't know where to go or who to talk to and I feel so alone. And I don't know what I would say even if there was someone to talk to. There's nothing to talk about. I know the things I need to do. And I wish more than anything I had the energy to do them. Today I tried to go through my backed up paperwork anyway. I started, got a few important things done which was very necessary, but it all happens so slowly. I almost started to enjoy myself for a minute when I started, then I realized I was paying attention to too much and taking too long so I started to pick up the pace to just get it done and before I knew it I could barely keep my eyes open and I wanted to sleep sooo badly. I was exhausted. But I couldn't sleep. I didn't try because I felt bad that Garett was at work making money for us and I felt that I needed to be doing something that benefited him. But there were so many things I wanted to do. I got partway through the kitchen. Did a few loads of laundry. But there is so much more I want to do. And I wish he had the same desire to be clean and organized that I do. I think he does. But he doesn't want to be the one to do it. But I don't want to be doing it ALONE either. I wish I could. But it's so much for one person when the other one doesn't do or even notice the little things.
|Sunday, October 15th, 2006|
Well fuck. Why am I such a downer? I just wrote an entire journal entry in my head while laying in bed unable to sleep. Now I don't want to say anything because I don't want a pity party. Crap has happened, but it's all stuff I can deal with. It's just hard sometimes. And what bothers me the most is I don't know where my confidence has gone. Ever since the stupid cruise I've felt like the insecure little girl I was like... I dunno, back in high school or something. I started out that vacation writing a journal entry on any piece of paper I could find about stupid bitches who are jealous and choose to take it out on other people. By the end of the trip I was so torn down that I not only couldn't wait to be home but I wouldn't have minded crawling in a hole and dying. And I'm still not sure if I would mind that all too much. I got a new puppy. He's very cute and sweet but depression has taken over so much that it takes all my energy just to take care of him. I hate my job which doesn't help when you're lethargic either. Because I'd REALLY like to find a new one. I'm just so tired. And my grandma passed away on Sunday. The funeral was wednesday... lots of family tension and crap going on. It killed me to see everyone all worried about each other instead of focusing on the reason we were all there. Anyway, more later maybe I need to get rest I have a stomach virus and a UTI.
|Tuesday, September 5th, 2006|
I don't like to dwell on things of the past. And actually, I think this song has helped me move on. It's from a CD that I've owned for a long time and rarely listen to anymore. When I heard this song as a younger woman I had no idea that people were actually like this. Dan proved it to me though. Never ever did I think a song could describe my financial situation with him so perfectly. So here's to you Daniel, the one who taught me... well actually helped me teach myself, that I shouldn't take so much shit for so long from a scrub like you.
Destiny's Child - Bills, bills, bills
"At first we started out real cool,(cool)
Taking me places i ain't never been
But now your getting comfortable
Ain't doing those things that you did no more
Your slowly makin me pay for things
Your money should be handling
And now you ask to use my car (car)
Drive it all day and don't fill up the tank
And you have the audacity
To even come and step to me
And ask to hold some money from me
Until you get your check next week
You triflin', good for nothing type of brother
Silly me, why haven't I found another
A baller, when times get hard he's the one to help me out
insted of, a scrub like you who don't know what a man's about
can you pay my bills
can you pay my telephone bills
can you pay my automo'bills
then maybe we can chill
I don't think you do
so you and me are through
now you been maxing out my card (card)
give me bad credit, buying gifts with my own ends
haven't paid the first bill
but you steady heading to the mall
going on shopping sprees
perpetrating to your friends that you be ballin'
and then you use my cell phone (phone)
callin who ever that you think at home
and when the bill comes all of a sudden you be acting dumb
don't know where none of these calls come from
when your mamma's numbers here more than once
can you pay my bills
can you pay my telephone bills
can you pay my automo'bills
then maybe we can chill
I don't think you do
so you and me are through"
So through. Yeah, it's funny that not only does he fit the song but then he goes above and beyond. Not just using my car, but crashing it - twice. The second time taking it WITHOUT my permission. Then I was stupid enough to make a down payment on a car for him so that I wouldn't be stuck at home all the time. He owes me so much it's crazy. I'm still paying for Christmas presents that he bought me on MY card that I didn't even want but so that I would feel like I had to buy him more and then he would be just a little bit more "down." I guess that's my fault for leaving my computer on with my pay pal open. Now I know not to trust anyone. But it's cool, cause I've actually gotten to the point where I don't even want his money - at all. Sure it would help. But I really wouldn't even take it if it was sitting right there in front of me. The whole situation is written off in my book... just done. I don't need him or his dirty money. So yeah, one last venting to the boy I gave a chance who went and fucked it all up for himself. Nice one. Now you don't even look good to me OR the people you were trying so hard to impress. Current Mood: amused
|What type of killer are you?
What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
You are a Samurai.
You are full of honour and value respect. You are not really the stereotypical hero, but you do fight for good. Just in your own way. For you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil person, if it is for justice and peace. You also don't belive in mourning all the time and think that once you've hit a bad stage in life you just have to get up again. It's pointless to concentrate on emotional pain and better to just get on with everything. You also are a down to earth type of person and think before you act. Impulsive people may annoy you somewhat.
Main weapon: Sword
Quote:"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain
Facial expression: Small smile
Take this quiz!
| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code
|Wednesday, August 30th, 2006|
|I'm pink. That's cool I liked pink anyway :o)
You are the color pink. As a beautiful and sweet human, you are everybody's favorite person. Healthy and energetic, you're often seen spreading the happines. As an unusually charming and sweet person, you're always ready to comfort people who are down. You sympathize with everyone, but not always yourself. Aside from that, you are light-hearted and cheery. And you make it your duty to make every could have
Take this quiz! Current Mood: happy
|What personality disorder are you?
I took this to see how accurate this quiz was... i'm a little bit impressed.
|You May Be a Bit Borderline...|
Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!
When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...
And when you're down, your whole world is crashing
Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!
|Friday, August 18th, 2006|
Current Mood: restless
|Monday, August 14th, 2006|
I have a new understanding of the phrase "this hurts me more than it hurts you." I just got off the phone with the recovery center my mom is court ordered to attend to give them an anonymous tip that they should randomly drug test her. I started crying when I hung up the phone. I really don't want to do this to her because I know the life consequences she could have - especially with the divorce. But I care about her and I know she's better than this. Garett and I confronted her and she denied and justified everything... so I feel like there's nothing else I can do. And it's hurting me so much that now she's acting like such a bitch towards me. I'm also really concerned about Sarah's safety and well-being. Her mom is there... but not really there. And I see how much she's been crying out for attention that she deserves but has been given to Scott lately. And I don't even want to go into my opinions of him. I hate feeling responsible though. I know I'm not and I know the reason I do is stupid, but it's still hard sometimes. But I'm really trying to get out of that habit. Because really, she's supposed to be the mother here - not me. I just hate that I made bad choices last year and it seems to give my mom reason to believe that it's ok for her to do the same kind of thing. I'm so angry about how hypocritical she's being though. How much she hated Dan and the things he put me through and then goes and gets a no good guy herself. How does that make any sense? And it hurt me so deeply that when I was finally ready to leave the fucked up relationship I was in she wasn't there to help me. I'm a big girl and I can do it myself, which I did. But it was so sad every time she said she's be there to help me pack up my apartment and then didn't even call. And didn't even really seem that proud of me for having the strength to move on. She of all people should know how much strength it takes to walk away from an abusive relationship. I was also broke as hell and she had nothing to give me from the divorce (which she let drag out as long as it has and now she's left with almost nothing) and also spending money on stupid stuff while I hardly had anything for food & my anti-depressants and the fact that she has GOT to be on some sort of drugs right now is kinda interesting that she has money for that and cigarettes. I know I'm not one to talk because I don't always make the best choices with money either, but isn't she supposed to be the one who's the good example here? And she spent the money she put away for me to help me pay back my college loans. She always acts like she's so great and like she knows so much more than me. I'm also not trying to feel sorry for myself here. But I do, and as long as I'm not dwelling on it I think it's ok to be in pain for a little bit. Feeling bad or concerned for myself is actually something that I've worked really hard to be able to do. So being that this is my journal, I can say what I want and deal with things how I want. So I'll admit, I'm sad. And I feel bad for myself for what my mom has been putting me through these last few months. And I miss her. I miss the person I know she is (sober), and I miss the person I know she could have been if she would have dealt with everything she's going through right now on her own and with the help of her family instead of some random guy who didn't even respect her enough to not have an affair when he knew the situation. It could have only made her stronger and wiser. And I hate that Scott was with her every time I saw her the last few times she ever did come see me in Bellingham. I've always hated the secrets and lies my mom puts on me. And I hate that he moved his stuff into my room before I even had a chance to come home 1 time after my dad moved out. My dad who my mom refuses to call my dad and who I'm kinda confused about myself lately. But that's another story. I'm done now. Current Mood: crappy
|Thursday, August 10th, 2006|
|can just one subject line describe what I'm feeling?
There's so much going on for me right now. I feel so busy, stressed, happy, hurt, unproductive... pretty much just emotional. Things are going pretty well aside from my temp job ending and still waiting to find out about my job at Benefit which looks hopeful but makes me nervous because I'm up against 4 other ppl.. and I want it really bad. Things are also going really well with Garett aside from the fact that I feel really bad for yelling at him the other day. I don't know if it was seeing Dan or if I'm PMSing or what but I totally treated him in a way that I shouldn't and didn't handle my frustrations in the right way.
...and then he got home from work and said it's ok.
|Tuesday, July 25th, 2006|
I'm thinking that as a woman, I have an obligation to stand up for what I know every woman deserves. It's not fair if someone doesn't understand what would make someone else as happy as they should be. It's not really my job and I'm hurting someone else by trying to do that job. So really, I'm hurting the person that I truly care about. And that hurts me. We'll see how it goes. Current Mood: awake
|Saturday, July 15th, 2006|
|The important thing is not to stop questioning. - Albert Einstein
What do you pack to pursue a dream and what do you leave behind? In order to find yourself, are you willing to lose yourself? Why be afraid of something you want? Are you the type of person with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life? If you don't think highly of yourself, who will? If you don't have all the things you want, are you grateful for all the things you don't have that you didn't want? Can you really live life without loving life and can you love life without living life? Do you know that you are the one you've been waiting for? Do you let yesterday use up too much of today? When will you ever have more time than you do right now? If what's in your dreams wasn't already inside of you how could you even dream it? Do you know how to dream with your eyes open? How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were? Who are "they"? What makes something beautiful? What if you looked for the good in everyone and in every situation? If you're not happy with what you have, how could you be happier with more? Today is your day. Current Mood: optimistic
|Wednesday, July 12th, 2006|
|Reasons, Seasons & Lifetimes
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, this is to help you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;
their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real!
But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (any way); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Current Mood: contemplative
|Sunday, June 25th, 2006|
I'm so fucking lost right now. It hurts so much to want to cause myself physical pain in hopes to numb the emotions. Really I don't even know what to say. It's not that things are horrible for me because they are not. But I can't describe the way it feels to not feel at home anywhere. My whole life has turned upside down this year. It's like everything in my life has been building up to this point where I collapse into not knowing what the hell is going on. I don't know who to trust, what to think, who to be, what to think of everything I used to be and who I am now, where I want to be, how to get there, who to listen to and who to disregard. How can I turn my back on God when he was the only one who got me through everything in my childhood? How can I say I don't need him now when everyday I find myself thinking of ways to kill myself? I'm not doing this right. I'm not where I need to be. I'm so worried about money while not being able to do anything about it because I'm being hindered mentally and spiritually. I want to get better but I don't know how. I want someone to talk to. I've listened to so many people in my life and I'm hurting so bad for someone to hear me right now. I hate feeling so alone and knowing at the same time that I'm shutting people out. I can honestly say that I really really really don't know what to do. But if I don't do something I'm headed for a nervous breakdown and it scares me. Why do I have to be weak to be strong? Why can't I just be strong? Current Mood: confused
|Tuesday, June 20th, 2006|
I haven’t had the desire to write in a long time. It feels good. I don’t even really know what to say. It’s nothing worth actually having a saved Word document of… but if I had the internet I’d probably write a journal entry right now. Why is it I can’t handle talking to certain people sometimes? It’s so weird how incredibly social I am while at the same time needing to be isolated from society sometimes. I guess we all need a break every now and then. Some people take breaks by playing video games, I take breaks by doing nothing all by myself. Why am I so scared of messing up? I don’t even want to make a sandwich because I don’t want to risk doing something he doesn’t like. Not all things are like that. I think that for me, I’ve been taking a lot of risks lately. But for some reason I really don’t want to do the whole sandwich thing. Making lunches reminds me of something I did for Dan. Something I did because I wanted to. And it hurts me that I wanted to do so much for him that I almost screwed up my life to the point of no return. Why did I take in the facts that I knew to be true, listen to them, and then let them fester inside of me while choosing to ignore them. I mean, any normal person would let anything they didn’t want to hear just go in one ear and out the other. But no… I listen. I listen so hard that it’s all I think about but for some reason can’t get myself to change the situation. Then I get down on myself for that part too. I hate how I either think extremely highly of myself or I feel like a piece of shit. Why can’t I just integrate my good and bad qualities into one big acceptance of myself as a human being? I’m really trying. But it’s so hard sometimes not to try to be perfect. Even when I know I never can be. And then when I’m not perfect it’s hard not to want to give up. It’s weird, I’ve wanted to give up so much lately. My last few weeks in Bellingham there wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t think about death. I’d have graphic visions of how to kill myself that I couldn’t get out of my head. All I wanted to do was not have to face another day. And it hurt so much because I know how good I have it and I felt so guilty for feeling that way. But I haven’t had the visions very much since I moved. I really do need help though. So much more than anyone can understand and so much more than I will ever let anyone know. Anyone important at least. That’s why I really need to talk to someone. I want to figure out what stupid part of my shitty past is doing this to me, deal with it, and move the fuck on. It’s about time and I don’t want to be numbed by medication anymore. I want to be a normal healthy 22 year old woman. I want to make a positive impact on society. I want to have a lot of money to help the people I love. I want to have a family. And I’m so happy to have found those hopes and dreams once again. Maybe someday they will become a reality.
|Friday, May 12th, 2006|
|Women's Wisdom Reading - Astrology
The Sun: Your essence. Your self.
Character is destiny. By improving your personality you create good conditions for your future.
Sun in Gemini:
Jessica, you were born under the sign of Gemini and your ruling planet is Mercury, the planet of communication. You like to speak, to communicate, to meet different people, to travel and to be in motion.
You are very curious and your mind always requests more information. Your jovial and youthful attitude will allow you to meet others very easily. In addition, your great capacity to adapt allows you to mold yourself to any type of change. It is probable that you are naive in your estimations, which will often lead you to be involved in unexpected and complicated problems or relations. Mentally, you will be very sharp, and ideas and solutions no one else would have conceived come to your mind.
Though you like freedom and become bored with people easily, you will be very dependent on those people whom you admire or love. You love the company of your best friends and, especially, the opportunity of commenting on everything that happens to you. You are also very attracted to voyages to new and different places. Current Mood: calm
|Thursday, May 11th, 2006|
"Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship."
"If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time."
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin
"Be courageous. It's one of the only places left uncrowded."
"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, 'I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.'" - Ann Landers
"Don't regret what might have been. Accept was is and rejoice in what is yet to be."
"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." - Mary Pickford
"There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
"The richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome." - Helen Keller Current Mood: thoughtful
|Wednesday, April 19th, 2006|
What am I supposed to say after reading that? I wish I could have the feeling of understanding my life and putting it together so eliquently. I guess I could. But right now I'm not at a high point. I'd like to say that everything I've been through has made me a better person. But really, I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see tougher skin. I see damaged, hurting skin. When I think of my future, I see a long period of time where I still need to heal. I feel like a bad pet owner. I feel like a bad apartment renter. I just wish I LIKED living and WANTED to make my apartment a beautiful place again. I feel so sad and alone. And then I feel bad for feeling that way because I have many friends. And why can't I let go of my guilt?? Everything I chose to do is based on something external. Usually what I think someone else would think or feel about something. What about who I am? What do I even feel? I'm so lost lately. So let down. And so low on energy. Please bring me my sparkle back. I miss my mom and who she was. I know she's doing good things for herself right now but I feel like I don't know her anymore -- in a bad way. She seems to only want to discuss things with me after the fact. And it hurts. It really hurts when the one person I've always looked up to isn't taking my feelings into consideration before she acts.
|Wednesday, April 12th, 2006|
Wow there are so many distractions at home. I wonder why other people are here. But looking around, I realize that I'm normal. Now I just need to catch up on the things I missed while I was sleeping. Lets start with the group project. I'm going to go type my answers. Shake off everything else.
Ok there we go :o) Congrats Jess now go turn it in. THEN get the rest of your life together.